Shattered

I’ve been trying to ignore or not be bothered by this emotional drama for several weeks now. I’m just letting myself go with the flow but everything is not in its proper place. Life is unfair to begin with. I guess this line of thought is already moot. Something to ponder about. As I try to go by in a "live and let live principle", everything seems not alright, fate seems not working good on me this time.

I do not know what to do. I’m feeling lost… Maybe because of the vacuum inside that taking its toll. Or maybe these predicaments are giving me permission to cry. That I didn’t have to always be strong, that it was occasionally possible to allow myself to feel weak and let out my feelings.

Few things are crowded in on me: the fatigue, the weight of responsibility, the worry and the endless details of running this, running that. And the worst of it all-loneliness. I felt as though I were at the bottom of a great sea of loneliness. It all came together and I was at once lost, overwhelmed. Shattered. Uncertain. Dumped.

Why? Oh! Why? This feeling of emptiness is overwhelming me. Something is hanging. Questions are left unanswered. Sentences are yet unfinished. Everything is unexplainable. Everything makes me vulnerable. I want solutions but nobody can give me. It is still void. I want to look for the whole thing, every little detail that would make me feel secure, make me feel love. But how can I? Feeling shattered is a manifestation of insecurity, it is a by-product of uncertainty of the situation. Where will I start?

I’m not a blemish-free person. I would rather walk up to a mirror and look at my own imperfection. I am really affected and thinking deeply of these predicaments. I believe there will be answers. Time will come. Time is both a great ally and foe. I wish that I will wake up one day and choose the most appropriate choice and do what is necessary to reach an equilibrium. I hope I’ll find the way, soonest. All will come to pass. It’s just a matter of time. I hope to see myself someday without any reason to be sad. No reason to feel down. Only reasons to be free from the worries brought about by my current situation. Only reasons to be happy.

It is my call. My fate.